“You should be up there with me. We did this together.”
“Do you think I might go savage?”
“Do you think I might try to… eat you?”
“It wasn’t me.”
“Two hundred dollars a day, three hundred and sixty-five days a year since you were twelve, that’s two decades, so times twenty which is… one million four hundred sixty thousand—I think.”
“If you want this pen, you’re going to help me find this poor missing otter.”
“Alright. Alright!”
“Everybody sit.”
“First… we need to acknowledge the elephant in the room.”
“We are really fighting the clock and every minute counts.”
“You said this was gonna be quick!”
“What, are you saying that because he’s a sloth he can’t be fast?”
“We can’t even trust our own friends.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“Are we safe?”
“We’re real proud of you.”
“Yup, and scared too.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
“Who the heck am I to crush his little dreams, huh?”
“Right?”
“Thanks anyway.”
“I gotta go sit down.”
“Bring him home to me.”
“Please wait out here.”
“What? He was right here!”
“The savage jaguar?”
“I know what I saw. He almost killed us!”
“That poor little bunny’s gonna get eaten alive.”
“You ready to make the world a better place?”
“I’m not going to because I don’t care.”
“I did not falsely advertise anything.”
“You’re gonna want to refrain from calling me Carrots.”
“How was your first day on the force?”
“Don’t call me cute!”
“Get in the car!”
“You should talk to his yoga instructor.”

splattermemes:

as requested by anon. Feel free to change pronouns or anything else !

• “I need a new familiar.”
  
• “It’s a love potion! What could possibly go wrong?”
  
• “My broom needs to be taken to the mechanic again.”
  
• “If ___ only knew the kinds of things I could do to him/her/them…”
• “I’m only a witch, not a miracle worker.”
  
• “Halloween is my aesthetic.”
  
• “Where can a witch find some decent beetle eyes around here?”
  
• “Please don’t tell me that you just sat on my wand.”
  
• “Do you think this is Harry Potter or something?”
  
• “You can’t just say a bunch of words that sound like Latin and expect to make magic.”
  
• “What? No magic here. Just gals being pals.”
  
• “Of course I’m a witch. I just don’t have green skin or face warts.” / “I really wish I looked like a cartoon witch. That would be awesome.”
  
• “Stop putting your potion ingredients in the fridge!”
  
• “Magic is a sophisticated craft. You can’t just say ‘pizza-us apparatus’.”
  
• “I can’t believe that this spell is too advanced for me.”
  
• “The only family I would marry into is the Addams family.”
  
• “I can pass as a goth.”
  
• “Look, I’m sorry I turned you into a toad.” / “If I had it my way, you’d still be eating flies.”
  
• “What are you gonna do? Burn me at the stake?”
  
• “Be nice to my familiar. Our souls are literally bonded.”
  
• “How dare you accuse me of trying to sneak a potion into your food?!”
  
• “We have to ask ourselves: what are magic’s limitations? Like, can it unburn my chicken nuggets?”
  
• “Why would I clean when the dishes can do themselves?”
  
• “Some people just don’t appreciate magic the way that they should.”
  
• “I told you not to summon demons in the house!”
• “I may be a witch, but at least I’m not a bitch.”
  
• “Just because I do magic and find girls cute, I ‘dance with the devil’? No way! He owes me money, I’d never dance with him.”