Let me preface this by saying that millennial and younger speech patterns and slang are freaking weird. Before I became a teenager I never thought that I would say things like “I want to die” and joke about it, but here we all are.
That being said, I do participate in this version of slang where everything’s a hyperbole (as one tumblr post put it, and it’s my favorite way to put it). But I’m trying to clarify (in real life or on my personal facebook, and even in the tags of a stray shitpost that I make) that I am joking.
Like, I’ll say “God, I want Gal Gadot to step all over me”, but I don’t actually mean that so I’ll clarify with “I’m kidding – she’s just so gorgeous” (especially to my parents who don’t understand modern slang, which is okay).
Here’s where the story comes in: A few months back we had a particularly stressful month at work with a special mail-in package club thing that we did (sort of like Lootcrate, but with scrapbooking supplies). We were late, the product was much too detailed so it was taking a lot longer to make, and all that
goodhorrible stuff.One day in the middle of it I snapped and had a panic attack. Now this is a small company, of only 9 people on average, so of course EVERYBODY knew about it right when it happened. I had to go home for the day and I was glad to have the day off the next day.
A few days later I was back and feeling much better – the crash was gone and I was working again. But the product was still there and we were almost done, but still working on it. We were joking about horrible things that might happen, like pieces being made wrong so we couldn’t assemble it.
I jokingly said “Yeah – if that happens, I’m gonna cry.”
You know… forgetting about the literal panic attack that I had a few days prior. When I got home that’s when I realized “Oh shit – they probably took that literally!! Oh NOOOOOOO-”
The next day I did make sure to clarify that that was a joke.
The purpose of this post was to tell an anecdote of the time that slang clashed with events and that’s why I say “I’m joking” when I participate in it.
(That, and my ASD sometimes makes sarcasm fall flat so I make sure to add “I’m joking” so that people understand that it wasn’t serious)
Tag: //panic attack
i wrapped the cuts with some bandages, i don’t know whether i should be thankful or more depressed that my family didn’t even ask about it… then again, i do wear the bandages alot.. -late night anon
i think i cried more last night then i have in.. what feels like years at this point -late night anon
((I’m so sorry that you went through that. It sounds like some part of you, while ashamed at what happened, wants to talk it out with someone in your family.
Make sure you eat something and drink something. I really think you should talk to your Mom about what happened. Not necessarily about feelings you had about her, but to give her some information about what’s going on in your head. Write it into a letter if speaking is too uncomfortable and you’re worried about not telling all the information that you want to.
I’m not making you do that by the way, I just really think you should talk to her.
In the meantime, what I also suggest is looking up ‘try not to smile challenges’. Not the ‘try not to laugh’ because it might be too much, but a try not to smile. And While watching one, don’t feel bad about smiling. If you do it, I want you to tell yourself that despite everything, you can still smile.
Please take care of yourself. I know and understand that this was hard and painful, but it’s okay. And I don’t want you to feel bad about what you did. Try to understand that when you’re having an attack like this, your brain can’t function rationally. It’s all emotion. You just need to bandage up and keep going. It’s like a paddle-ball – sometimes you’ll miss the ball, but you keep going.
I hope this helps, and I sincerely hope you feel better soon okay? Like I said, drink something and eat something to help your body feel better too.
two cuts, i’m sorry.. -late night anon
((put pressure on it immediately. Wash it with warm water and hold a towel to the wounds.
I know you’re sorry – I accept your apology. I’m so sorry that you hurt so much. Please, don’t hurt yourself any more and just focus on getting your existing wounds clean now. Don’t think about why they’re there – try to just focus on taking care of them.
i-i should just shut up now, i’m sure i’m just bothering you more then usually.. thank you for trying and i’m sorry i couldn;t try harder.. -late night anon
((Don’t be sorry – I’m choosing to respond. And I’m very glad that you felt comfortable enough to talk to me, even on anon. That’s a GOOD thing! It’s a good thing to reach out when you’re upset and not feeling well.
You can’t be faulted for wanting help – I don’t put fault on you for that at all.
it doesn’t feel like i can.. it just feels my whole existance was a mistake.. probably because it was -late night anon
((That’s the anxiety and the intrusive thoughts talking. THat’s not true. I know it feels that way, but our emotions sometimes lie to us when we’re in distress. I promise, this won’t last. This is just an episode – it’ll pass, I promise.
i have given myself time to think and be upset, but it’s just makes everything worse. i look around and all i see are the mistakes i’ve made and the things i’ve abandoned. i start to feel the things around me but it all feels the same, and i shouldn’t waste anymore ice. it’s hard to breath when it feels like the weight of the world is on your chest, but that’s just allergies for you i guess… -late night anon
((you’re not wasting ice. It’s just water – you can’t waste a handful of water. It’s okay because it’s supposed to help you.
Try to take deep breaths. Start with looking at only one thing. Like a shoe. I know, it’s hard, but please try.
I know, it hurts. I understand that it does, and I”m sorry. If you need to, jump onto a crisis chat. I know that sounds extreme and you probably don’t want to do it right now, but it could help you get out of the worst of it.
Carlos made a little yelping noise in horrified shock. No! his mind screamed, as his mouth
couldn’t form the words. It’s not Hancock’s
fault! It’s not your fault!!
He hiccupped and made a soft, distressed moaning sound.
Carlos wriggled his hand out of Hancock’s grip and wrapped his arm around
himself to hug himself tightly. He wanted to run – run so that Hancock didn’t
have to look at his ugly crying face and feel bad about it. But that would
require moving, which immediately wasn’t possible. Hancock was still
practically on top of him. And in addition, Carlos was naked. He felt so
exposed and raw already — he didn’t want to try uncurling and getting up to
get his clothes on.
But he might have to. He wanted to be alone so badly.
Carlos quickly turned his head up to look
at Hancock properly. “It doesn’t have to be like that! I promise, it doesn’t!”
he exclaimed. “You didn’t fuck anything up, I absolutely promise! It – It was –
I almost did, but I promise I – I’ll get… I’ll get better!”
Carlos’ eyes started to drift down to
Hancock’s chest as he tried to gather his thoughts together. God, his words –
they were just all over the place in his head and he couldn’t string something
coherent for the life of him!
“Or, I mean, I’ll learn to – or- or,
actually… F—Augh, ¡¡Hijo de puta!! No
seas un maldito imbécil!! ¡Mierda palabras estúpidas!”
Carlos clutched Hancock’s hand in his,
looking up at the other with a frustrated determination.
“I’m
not leaving you over this!” he stated firmly. “I won’t do that to you!
O-okay?” Please be okay with that, please be okay with that, please be okay
with that – God, Carlos’ head was starting to hurt now he was so stressed.
“Don’t leave! Look – I’m not asking you to leave! Please, I –“
Carlos stopped himself. Hancock was talking so calmly to him, and he was
freaking out. Dammit, that was not good – he was just going to scare the other
man. Carlos shut his eyes and tried to take a few deep breaths. He squeezed
Hancock’s hand, not wanting the other to slip out of his grip. He just… he needed
to calm down and try not to unnerve the other.
“P-please, Hancock, don’t go.” He swallowed. Carlos had
opened his eyes, but he wasn’t really able to look Hancock in the face –
instead he was staring at their hands. Mostly Hancock’s hand, as it was
visually more interesting. “I… I’m sorry. I wanted to be honest, not… not make
you… leave. I want you here. I wanna try this. I want to try to have a relaxing
night with you, and…” Carlos made a low, sad groaning sound. “I’m so sorry… I
didn’t mean to freak you out, I just…” He wasn’t sure what to tell Hancock. He
let out an unhappy sigh. “I’m sorry I’m terrible…”
Carlos’ heart lurched and he started to feel panic grip him.
“Wha – no, Hancock wait!” he exclaimed – maybe a bit too loudly. But Carlos
quickly stepped forward and grabbed Hancock’s sleeve, but not his arm as he
didn’t want to accidentally hurt the ghoul. But he held the shirt tightly, wanting
desperately for the other not to run away. “Han, wait, please! I’m sorry! I’m
sorry, I’m sorry – Please, don’t leave! I’m not telling you to go away! Please,
I’m sorry!” Fuck, fuck, fuck! He
messed up! He messed up badly!
This was how it ends – Hancock wasn’t going to trust him
anymore. He’d be too nice to say so, but things would change too quickly. They
wouldn’t try to open up to each other anymore, and they’d grow apart and Carlos
would have to leave so Hancock could go on with his life and then Carlos would be
alone, and then he’d get caught and ripped apart by super mutants and never be
heard from again, and Hancock would wonder about him but wouldn’t go out
looking for him, and… and… and–!
The Perfect Scientist 